Saturday, August 11, 2007
Marriage-the many splendored affair!
Now that I am on this “bare it all” binge, I thought I should give you some more insight into our lives- if only to understand us better!
Another reason is that too many marriages, around me, are rushing towards the highseas, if not actually to the rocks. Disturbing, because with a little effort from both sides, this need not happen!
I’m sure all marriages that have stood the test of time have done so only because of a lot of grit and determination and not by fluke or some miracle of fate!
I also believe that the problems faced by most couples are no different, it is ones approach to them that makes all the difference!
Coming back home, what worked for us was --Opposites not only attract, but also help stay attached.
We are different in many ways-
Daddy is a born Pessimist while I am a die-hard Optimist! I only see the silver lining, he only sees the cloud!
I am Impulsive while he is a great Ruminator. To anything I say, his reply is ‘WAIT’. But the wait has paid off and today we are both a satisfied team!
One great quality he has is his ability to say "NO". I can't do it & land myself with unnecessary pressures. He gets it out of his system with one word!
He hates traveling and I can’t stay home. His job was a boon for me; else how would I have fulfilled my desire to see the world?
I am the extremist- I tend to overdo everything; be it work, play, whatever. I have to always give my 200%! He is measured in everything; he wouldn’t bend down to pick up a gold coin because his doctor has told him that bending is bad for his back. I like to forget that I have a (bad) back!
He is punctual to a fault, while I am irritatingly late; always running behind the bus!
He is an extrovert, I am the worst introvert. But over the years I have learnt to open up a bit, thanx to him! But, as they say, ones innate nature can’t be changed. I have been called ‘khadoos’, unfriendly, or even a snob (when I am far from any of these.) in contrast to his affable, singer, dancer, party bug image. “Soorat hi aisi hai” can’t help it!
One of the advantages of having opposing traits is that it has helped maintain the equilibrium of this 'gaadi' (carriage). Over time we learnt to accept our weaknesses & respect our strengths; this has enriched both our lives. It has also helped this gaadi from swerving of the road. At times it has flown in the skies, at times it has floundered in the potholes; but has always veered back on track.
We are also similar in some ways; thank God!
The best thing is that we are both devoid of any EGO. So also, we are evenly tempered, neither of us lose our cool, whatever happens! This has saved us from the raving & ranting that goes on in so many households! We do it very quietly & silently!
We give each other plenty of space and try not to be judgemental about our actions! We never let love become stifling. We did not burden the home with office problems unless required. In fact, his flights took him away for 10-15 days a month, that I think helped this marriage! We got the time to rejuvenate for the next homecoming!
We had our own bank accounts and never questioned the transactions.
He only cribbed when I went shopping, which I hardly ever did! He always found his Tees & Jeans in the Hongkong or Bankok sales, they were so cheap you see! So finally, I left all my shopping to him-the imported nylons were in vogue & his choice in clothes was decent, so he bought all my sarees! When these sarees went out of fashion, I was in trouble! But that was something I had to live with; he ofcourse will never agree!
Another strategy that worked wonders for us – he won over my relatives and I hit it off with his!
That way everyone was on our side! No doubt, this is an expensive hobby, but also fulfilling! We helped out many a relative and wrote off not a small amount; and we are still at it. But we have earned genuine affection & goodwill all around and that is what keeps us going!
Money has its relevance-but only when it is spent judiciously!
God has taken good care of us!
(Update-next day)
Yesterday I watched Shabana & Javed on 'Koffee with Karan' & what Javed said corroborated what I felt. He said if two people are similar in every way, there is no point in their living together- one of them is enough. And if two people are too dissimilar they can't live together anyway! They should have the right mix to be able to enrich each other!
This is something I have told Rakesh in the past- every couple must strive to bring out the best in each other; they must also learn from each other- for we all have a mix of the good & bad in us! Both must jointly take responsibility for everything they do after marriage. (This is for Neil too!)
Another reason is that too many marriages, around me, are rushing towards the highseas, if not actually to the rocks. Disturbing, because with a little effort from both sides, this need not happen!
I’m sure all marriages that have stood the test of time have done so only because of a lot of grit and determination and not by fluke or some miracle of fate!
I also believe that the problems faced by most couples are no different, it is ones approach to them that makes all the difference!
Coming back home, what worked for us was --Opposites not only attract, but also help stay attached.
We are different in many ways-
Daddy is a born Pessimist while I am a die-hard Optimist! I only see the silver lining, he only sees the cloud!
I am Impulsive while he is a great Ruminator. To anything I say, his reply is ‘WAIT’. But the wait has paid off and today we are both a satisfied team!
One great quality he has is his ability to say "NO". I can't do it & land myself with unnecessary pressures. He gets it out of his system with one word!
He hates traveling and I can’t stay home. His job was a boon for me; else how would I have fulfilled my desire to see the world?
I am the extremist- I tend to overdo everything; be it work, play, whatever. I have to always give my 200%! He is measured in everything; he wouldn’t bend down to pick up a gold coin because his doctor has told him that bending is bad for his back. I like to forget that I have a (bad) back!
He is punctual to a fault, while I am irritatingly late; always running behind the bus!
He is an extrovert, I am the worst introvert. But over the years I have learnt to open up a bit, thanx to him! But, as they say, ones innate nature can’t be changed. I have been called ‘khadoos’, unfriendly, or even a snob (when I am far from any of these.) in contrast to his affable, singer, dancer, party bug image. “Soorat hi aisi hai” can’t help it!
One of the advantages of having opposing traits is that it has helped maintain the equilibrium of this 'gaadi' (carriage). Over time we learnt to accept our weaknesses & respect our strengths; this has enriched both our lives. It has also helped this gaadi from swerving of the road. At times it has flown in the skies, at times it has floundered in the potholes; but has always veered back on track.
We are also similar in some ways; thank God!
The best thing is that we are both devoid of any EGO. So also, we are evenly tempered, neither of us lose our cool, whatever happens! This has saved us from the raving & ranting that goes on in so many households! We do it very quietly & silently!
We give each other plenty of space and try not to be judgemental about our actions! We never let love become stifling. We did not burden the home with office problems unless required. In fact, his flights took him away for 10-15 days a month, that I think helped this marriage! We got the time to rejuvenate for the next homecoming!
We had our own bank accounts and never questioned the transactions.
He only cribbed when I went shopping, which I hardly ever did! He always found his Tees & Jeans in the Hongkong or Bankok sales, they were so cheap you see! So finally, I left all my shopping to him-the imported nylons were in vogue & his choice in clothes was decent, so he bought all my sarees! When these sarees went out of fashion, I was in trouble! But that was something I had to live with; he ofcourse will never agree!
Another strategy that worked wonders for us – he won over my relatives and I hit it off with his!
That way everyone was on our side! No doubt, this is an expensive hobby, but also fulfilling! We helped out many a relative and wrote off not a small amount; and we are still at it. But we have earned genuine affection & goodwill all around and that is what keeps us going!
Money has its relevance-but only when it is spent judiciously!
God has taken good care of us!
(Update-next day)
Yesterday I watched Shabana & Javed on 'Koffee with Karan' & what Javed said corroborated what I felt. He said if two people are similar in every way, there is no point in their living together- one of them is enough. And if two people are too dissimilar they can't live together anyway! They should have the right mix to be able to enrich each other!
This is something I have told Rakesh in the past- every couple must strive to bring out the best in each other; they must also learn from each other- for we all have a mix of the good & bad in us! Both must jointly take responsibility for everything they do after marriage. (This is for Neil too!)
# posted by rdbelite @ 2:14 AM 
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Some thoughts on reading your blog. To begin with, some thoughts on our own interactions so far. My first impression on meeting you (not so long ago, but it seems like it) in December was "this is the binding force of the Barve family, the strong but gentle hand that keeps it together". Not the usual feeling of "khadoos" that you say you are used to being considered. Of course, there is a reason for this. I had a Mami (I say had because she passed away in August 2007, and a big regret for me is that she will not be around for my wedding, something she really was looking forward to). Rohini Maami (my mom's chulat dada's wife), and you reminded me of her, in the way you spoke authoritatively on various subjects, be it my transfer, our wedding or everything else. She of course did not have a career as you did, but in so many other ways you reminded me of her. It was due to her larger than life formidable (at times overbearing and steamrolling) presence, energy and efforts that the extended Naik family (6 brothers including my grandfather, and their 30 odd kids-my mom and her cousins) bonded so well that I grew up having so many mamas, maushis, mamis, kakas, who never felt like second or third cousins, but "Sakkhe". I could already feel the personal concern and involvement behind the strict-ish tone (ABHUBBY will tell the family that I have a penchant for creating new English words to express myself more strongly). ABHUBBY later described you to me as the "star-bahu" of the family and I could see that he has a lot of (at times grudging) respect for you. I know that somewhere in his expectations of what his wife should be, sub-consciously, you are a big influence, together with Ma. He expects that I will be a combination of both of you, and then some more (which I must say is a challenge I do not mind!! because even if I can get to half of where you both have been, it will be a lot).
I never had a kaka-kaki and therefore, it is also another one of those doings of the Sondwala (The Anjur Naiks - my mom's family also have their own Siddhivinayak, right inside the old house, and I have worshipped him since I was 14, another reason for my special bond with Mami, we would visit Anjur quite often together). I told Ma and Pa when we went to Anjur and after I visited Chiplun and Songaon the first time as well. The Sondwala did not want me to go away from under his protection, so I am lucky to have been delivered by him to a "saasar" where I feel really like I am coming back to my "maaher" or "aajol". Ma and Pa are more parents than in-laws, they tolerate my foot in the mouth disease, my pushiness (though it is always with good intentions), my childishness at times, my non-conformist behaviour (I wore my usual sleeveless clothes in Chiplun, never bothered to wear a bindi the first time, do not always remember to fall at people's feet, and talk a lot, irrespective of how many other people are around, among other things). In you and Kaka, I got a two in one package, the Kaki-kaki I never had but always wanted, and the Mama-mami combination that I miss so much now. (Mama without Mami is not the force that he used to be anymore, and Kaka said something similar to me the other day, without you he will not be able to live the way he does now).
Some of the things that you put on your blog I could relate to completely (not that the others I could not), like not having my own native village (My Dandekar aajoba stopped visiting Vasai after he retired and Dad never had any attachment to it, so that connection ended there), so it is Chiplun and Songaon that I will gradually consider my roots, thanks to ABHUBBY. You had the task of building Kaka's confidence, I need to bring some more focus into ABHUBBY's life (though he now firmly sees a long term career in Financial Services), help him build our home, take care of Ma and Pa, be the vahini to BRO and yes, as everyone in the family (including ABHUBBY himself too) says, calm ABHUBBY down a bit. And yeah, I too am an outsider, not the fair light eyed Chitpavan, but I hope to be accepted and to belong just as much some day (I think I already received a very warm welcome, so no complaints there, just a Touchwood!!)
As much as you say you were lucky, I am 100% sure it was not an easy life, and what seems to have been relatively smooth sailing now, must have been an uphill task at each stage. In my relatively lesser 31 years, I have been the eldest daughter of the family and the tigress at work, and always been the one blessed (at times cursed) with being the one who is responsible by nature, and right in her thoughts and actions and therefore looked up to always, and also blamed on the rare occasions when things go wrong. And it is a big responsibility to shoulder, so I can fully imagine and respect the ease with which you have carried that "burden".
Reading your blog made me realise, that no matter how tough it seems (and to be honest, inspite of my outwardly visible confidence, there are times when I do wonder about the road ahead, about setting up home alone, without parental guidance coz be it mine or his, it helps to have your elders around to guide you with their wisdom and experience, raising kids by ourselves and giving them the right values, in the US or wherever else we might be, given that we both seek globally mobile careers, yet I would definitely want to be there for Ma and Pa (and you and kaka too) always and take your generation along with us as well in our journey, if not physically but yet metaphorically), it is achievable, and worth every moment of it.
And your blog is what I will always go to (just as much as I will call my mom, Ma and even you) whenever I feel daunted whether just in day to day life, or by some special challenge. I have a lot to learn, and I know where to go when I want to.
Thank you so much for sharing it with me,
With lots of love and regards,
I aspire to be The Perfect 10
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I never had a kaka-kaki and therefore, it is also another one of those doings of the Sondwala (The Anjur Naiks - my mom's family also have their own Siddhivinayak, right inside the old house, and I have worshipped him since I was 14, another reason for my special bond with Mami, we would visit Anjur quite often together). I told Ma and Pa when we went to Anjur and after I visited Chiplun and Songaon the first time as well. The Sondwala did not want me to go away from under his protection, so I am lucky to have been delivered by him to a "saasar" where I feel really like I am coming back to my "maaher" or "aajol". Ma and Pa are more parents than in-laws, they tolerate my foot in the mouth disease, my pushiness (though it is always with good intentions), my childishness at times, my non-conformist behaviour (I wore my usual sleeveless clothes in Chiplun, never bothered to wear a bindi the first time, do not always remember to fall at people's feet, and talk a lot, irrespective of how many other people are around, among other things). In you and Kaka, I got a two in one package, the Kaki-kaki I never had but always wanted, and the Mama-mami combination that I miss so much now. (Mama without Mami is not the force that he used to be anymore, and Kaka said something similar to me the other day, without you he will not be able to live the way he does now).
Some of the things that you put on your blog I could relate to completely (not that the others I could not), like not having my own native village (My Dandekar aajoba stopped visiting Vasai after he retired and Dad never had any attachment to it, so that connection ended there), so it is Chiplun and Songaon that I will gradually consider my roots, thanks to ABHUBBY. You had the task of building Kaka's confidence, I need to bring some more focus into ABHUBBY's life (though he now firmly sees a long term career in Financial Services), help him build our home, take care of Ma and Pa, be the vahini to BRO and yes, as everyone in the family (including ABHUBBY himself too) says, calm ABHUBBY down a bit. And yeah, I too am an outsider, not the fair light eyed Chitpavan, but I hope to be accepted and to belong just as much some day (I think I already received a very warm welcome, so no complaints there, just a Touchwood!!)
As much as you say you were lucky, I am 100% sure it was not an easy life, and what seems to have been relatively smooth sailing now, must have been an uphill task at each stage. In my relatively lesser 31 years, I have been the eldest daughter of the family and the tigress at work, and always been the one blessed (at times cursed) with being the one who is responsible by nature, and right in her thoughts and actions and therefore looked up to always, and also blamed on the rare occasions when things go wrong. And it is a big responsibility to shoulder, so I can fully imagine and respect the ease with which you have carried that "burden".
Reading your blog made me realise, that no matter how tough it seems (and to be honest, inspite of my outwardly visible confidence, there are times when I do wonder about the road ahead, about setting up home alone, without parental guidance coz be it mine or his, it helps to have your elders around to guide you with their wisdom and experience, raising kids by ourselves and giving them the right values, in the US or wherever else we might be, given that we both seek globally mobile careers, yet I would definitely want to be there for Ma and Pa (and you and kaka too) always and take your generation along with us as well in our journey, if not physically but yet metaphorically), it is achievable, and worth every moment of it.
And your blog is what I will always go to (just as much as I will call my mom, Ma and even you) whenever I feel daunted whether just in day to day life, or by some special challenge. I have a lot to learn, and I know where to go when I want to.
Thank you so much for sharing it with me,
With lots of love and regards,
I aspire to be The Perfect 10
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